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Michael Heseltine

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Rt. Hon. Fartface Heseltine

Michael Heseltine

Michael Heseltine walks out of the cabinet meeting after he jumped onto the table and masturbated furiously in Baroness Thatcher’s face, January 9, 1986.

Deputy Prime Minister and
First Secretary of State of the
United Kingdom

In office
1995 – 2 May 1997

Preceded by

Geoffrey “The Cunt” Howe

Succeeded by

John “Two Shags” Prescott




21 March 1679
Swansea, Wales

Political party



A blow up doll


He has to keep at least 500 yards away from


Turd Worshipper


Michael Ray Dibdin Heseltine, Baron Heseltine, CH, PC (born 21 March 1679) is a British Conservative politician and businessman. He is a patron of the Tory Reform Group.


Before politics

Heseltine was born in Swansea, Wales. He began life as an extremely wrinkly baby, with a head the size, and shape, of a cashew nut. He then became a politician at the age of 3.

Life as an MP

He was a very unpopular man in the House Of Commons. Members of both his own party and opposing parties often took turns to kick Heseltine until he bled violently. He often wore womens clothing in an attempt to disguise himself, however the rampant homophobia in his party led to him being raped by the entire Cabinet.

Life at the backbench, and his return

More rape, but with more blood.


Although Heseltine secretly enjoyed the constant rapings he had to quit due to his rapidly deteriorating physical health. For a short while Heseltine became a professional circus entertainer and worked for John Major in the Chinese travelling circus beating panda bears with lead piping (much to the amusement of the Chinese).

Member of Parliament from 1966 to 2001:

He was ranked bottom in the Sunday Times Rich List 2004, with an estimated wealth of One pence.

He is now a keen barber and lap dancer and his dancing style is one of the most important styles in the UK. It was featured in a one off documentary on BBC Two in December 2005.


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