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Idea #4: How to Make Television Better

Hello everybody. As usual it’s been rather a long time since I last wrote here, however (as always) the wait is worthily worthwhile.

I have published many ideas, some great and some amazingly great, and these ideas are no different.

Television has provided the British nation with entertainment for decades, however television evolves with society; it changes. Television has become bone-achingly boring, tormentingly tedious and underzealous. However, there is a solution. A simple solution: Mindless sadism.

Take the hit Channel 4 programme “Deal or No Deal”. If you are unfamiliar with “Deal or No Deal” it is a game show in which a contestant is picked at random to pick random boxes, with a chance to win BIG MONEY. Plenty of emphasis is placed, by presenter (and Demigod) Noel Edmonds, on how important the box-opening cretins are and he often comes close to placing blame on them if the box they open contains one of the “power five” for instance.


Noel Edmonds: “Don’t let us down, Ismael, show us a blue.”

(Contestant opens box with one of the ‘power five’ inside).

Edmonds: “Argh! You’ve let us down, etc etc.”

Now, this is kind of amusing and entertaining, but it undoubtedly lacks a kick. If “Deal or No Deal” is to be truly entertaining it ought to contain real punishments, leading to dialogue such as this.

Noel Edmonds: “Don’t let us down, Yusef, show us a blue.” (Contestant opens box containing £250,000, the highest amount a contestant can win.)

Edmonds: “It’s £250,000! You’ve lost £250,000. Now fetch THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!”

And it’s goodbye Yusef.

Entertaining no? Of course the punishments would vary, execution would be harsh if someone opened a box containing just £1000 to even £100,000, anything from a cattle-prod for £1000 to amputation of any major limb for £100,000 would be fine.

Any ideas for punishments are welcome, such as leaving a contestant in an empty room and slowly filling it with concrete, circumcisions with no anaesthesia or even forcing contestants to drink sulphuric acid, just leave them as comments and I will steal them.

Next Time: “The Secret Pauper” an adaptation of “The Secret Millionaire”.


One response to “Idea #4: How to Make Television Better

  1. Big Smalley ⋅

    Can’t wait for the Secret Pauper

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