Idea #1

Idea: A Bernard Manning Charity Gig

Location: Freetown, Sierra Leone

This may not be a popular idea, however I think it would have its positives.

Not only would it help raise money for the people of Sierra Leone who have been affected by the civil war but it would convert those who have been alienated by Bernard’s racist jokes and so called ‘bigotry’. It would also be a chance for Bernard to show off some of his classic material to a wider audience.

Bernard could also take friendly digs at the crowd with one liners such as “We give the blacks the chance to run their own country and look what bloody happens!!” I think that Bernard and I are amongst many in the view that if you can’t laugh at yourself you don’t deserve charity.

EDIT: Now Bernard Manning has passed away (God rest his soul) his place shall be taken by either Roy “Chubby” Brown or Jim “Ginger” Davidson. Either will have the same effect and make similar jokes.


Sex with Miners

Many controversial issues circulate the intellectual and social arena these days but none as gut wrenchingly obscene as the debate on sex with miners.

For a long time the right to have sex with miners has been non-existent, however in countries such as Holland new legislation is being passed so more people can indeed have sexual relations with miners. Many people find this outrageous and sickening, in fact President of the European Commission, José Manuel Barroso claimed that “The stomach of morality has become so hungry that it has actually started to digest itself.” But why claim this when the European Union is allowing Romania to join when sex with miners there has been socially acceptable for decades? And isn’t it astonishing that, the likes of Holland and Belgium (two out of three of the Benelux countries which first formed the EU) have Miner Pornography up there with their biggest exports?

Picture: Reuters

Above: An example of the ‘Miner Porn’, which is so popular over in Europe.

Overall, sex with miners is a confusing issue. I for one do not understand why sex with miners is perceived as wrong. Is it due to the fact they are always dirty and it is unhygeinic to have sex with them? Is it due to them having such dangerous jobs and risking their lives each day? Is it because the miner population is so small, in this country especially? Or is it just post-Thatcher-working-man bashing? What for salt miners?! They barely get a look in, always cast aside for the more popular coal miner.

If you ask me, there is nothing wrong with people having sexual relationships with miners. Well, as long as they’re above the age of consent, paedophilia is definitely something I do not condone. As for gay relationships, the age of consent should be put back up to 18 years, we can’t have old retiries taking advantage of naive young miners.

The moral outrage in this country over people having sex with miners is ridiculous, we need to get our priorities right and focus on more pressing issues such as people having sex with minor miners.

Pol Pot

Pol Pot

 Picture: Reuters
Have you ever gotten drunk with Pol Pot?

Actually, this is quite a funny story. Back in the late 1960s I was on holiday in Cambodia, where I met good old Polly, as we used to call him. We had a few drinks and I mentioned, with tongue firmly in cheek, that he should instigate an aggressive policy of relocating people to the countryside in an attempt to purify the Cambodian people as a step toward a communist future.

Have you ever seen Pol Pot in a swimsuit?

Yes, actually! Another funny story. We had a few drinks together and i mentioned, with tongue firmly in cheek, that he should try on a woman’s swimsuit!

Have you ever fought with Pol Pot?

Oh no! Never any serious fights anyway, we were good buddies.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as Pol Pot?

No, but this reminds me of yet another funny story. On one of our many walks through the Cambodian jungle, Pol Pot and I found a man sleeping with another man. So I suggested, with tongue firmly in cheek, that Polly should get in there and ‘help them out’ if you know what i mean.

How do you feel in general about Pol Pot?

When we were good friends all those years ago I felt a warm, kind feeling transmitting itself from his body to mine.

Michael Heseltine

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Rt. Hon. Fartface Heseltine

Michael Heseltine

Michael Heseltine walks out of the cabinet meeting after he jumped onto the table and masturbated furiously in Baroness Thatcher’s face, January 9, 1986.

Deputy Prime Minister and
First Secretary of State of the
United Kingdom

In office
1995 – 2 May 1997

Preceded by

Geoffrey “The Cunt” Howe

Succeeded by

John “Two Shags” Prescott




21 March 1679
Swansea, Wales

Political party



A blow up doll


He has to keep at least 500 yards away from


Turd Worshipper


Michael Ray Dibdin Heseltine, Baron Heseltine, CH, PC (born 21 March 1679) is a British Conservative politician and businessman. He is a patron of the Tory Reform Group.


Before politics

Heseltine was born in Swansea, Wales. He began life as an extremely wrinkly baby, with a head the size, and shape, of a cashew nut. He then became a politician at the age of 3.

Life as an MP

He was a very unpopular man in the House Of Commons. Members of both his own party and opposing parties often took turns to kick Heseltine until he bled violently. He often wore womens clothing in an attempt to disguise himself, however the rampant homophobia in his party led to him being raped by the entire Cabinet.

Life at the backbench, and his return

More rape, but with more blood.


Although Heseltine secretly enjoyed the constant rapings he had to quit due to his rapidly deteriorating physical health. For a short while Heseltine became a professional circus entertainer and worked for John Major in the Chinese travelling circus beating panda bears with lead piping (much to the amusement of the Chinese).

Member of Parliament from 1966 to 2001:

He was ranked bottom in the Sunday Times Rich List 2004, with an estimated wealth of One pence.

He is now a keen barber and lap dancer and his dancing style is one of the most important styles in the UK. It was featured in a one off documentary on BBC Two in December 2005.

Big City Life

So, I’m finally here, at the University of Newcastle, and it seems as though The Daily Mail et al were right after all, the streets are in fact plagued with incoherant, sex mad, working class drunkards who lack morals.

Several days ago I witnessed something truly disgusting. Upon leaving Central Train Station I encountered a group of nuns sitting on the steps of St Mary’s Cathedral, and they were not behaving as nuns would be expected to. As I approached I heard several of the nuns hurling abuse at passing atheists. As I got closer I noticed that some of the nuns were even unconscious due to the amount of wine they had consumed (no doubt it had been stolen from the Cathedral), several were also flashing passers by, regardless of their religious beliefs. It didn’t just stop with the nuns however, a priest appeared from inside the holy building with a large bottle of whiskey in one hand and some sort of smoking pipe in the other. He approached one of the nuns, grabbed her around the waist and shoved his tongue down her throat. He didn’t stop at a snog either. He removed his garments and lifted up the nun’s own garment. Several of the other nuns began to join in, with a couple performing acts on each other. Whilst this was happening, another nun was vomiting violently, she then fell back and began to choke on her own vomit, the other nuns and the priest began to laugh uncontrollably as they carried on with their unspeakable acts of degradation. I immediately called the police, but they never turned up. The Fire Service was sent instead and the Firemen were powerless against the hedonistic hoard as they were all Polish dwarves, the only people willing to work for such pathetic wages.

Under the guise of holy people, nuns and priests have been getting away with these sorts of activities for many years. No wonder church attendances are dropping! Also, is there any wonder why so many people have lost faith in the different police forces up and down the country?! In Lancaster just last week, the police were called to calm down unrest at a party but when the policemen arrived they just began to strip and dance in a suggestive manner. This is not law enforcement, it’s Political Correctness gone mad! Instead of just barging in and sorting out issues with authority they either don’t want to offend minorities or they dance around the issue! When will Tony Blair and his gay, blind and fat friends realise this?! We need somebody who doesn’t beat around the Bush (get it!!!?) and isn’t afraid of offending people. A common sense champion is what this country needs, and we need him fast!!!