Hello all. Another top notch idea for you all to digest (mentally of course, it’s pretty much impossible to eat an idea let alone have enzymes and then stomach acid break it down for it to be shifted on into the small intestines then on to the large intestines for liquid absorption and inevitably out of the anus, after being compacted in the rectum, unless you write it on a piece of paper first, of course) and it relates to those awful charity workers – who I shall be referring to as ‘beggars’ – who approach you on the street, or even knock on your front door and ask you for money.
As we all know, it can be hard for some people to turn beggars away, one can feel guilty. However one should not (feel guilty), in fact one should not only be proud of turning down the chance to help the desperate, needy and pathetic, but one should do it in style.
I find the best way is to work the beggar up, to make them think you are giving them money and donating to their selected “just cause” only to decline at the last moment. This is particularly hilarious if you make them beg, literally, for your money.
Step One: Demand that the beggar gets down on their bandy knees (they’re usually bandy, I find that people working for charities have some sort of disfigurement, if not they’re very ugly). If they really care about their charity they should be willing to do this, they’ve already given up enough of their own dignity by begging and harassing passers by.
Step Two: Make them kiss your shoes. This is fantastic and really funny, putting ugly beggars back in their place.
Step Three: Slowly take out your financial information, credit/debit card, bank statement etc then say “I think I’ve seen enough of this, it is quite pathetic. Now look up.” Then dangle your credit card above the beggar’s head. They will be up like a shot, with their pen in hand ready to hand over the papers for you to sign your hard earned cash away.
Final Step: With the beggar thinking (after all the hilarious humiliation and devious degradation) something good is finally going to come out of this affair, spit in their face and knee them in their groin. This is truly outstanding. They won’t know what’s hit them. Swiftly and securely place your financial information back into your wallet or purse and then run away laughing as loud as you can.
This process does not only give these middle-men for the pathetic what they deserve, it provides immense pleasure for oneself.
Next week: How to make a Big Issue seller’s life even worse.